July Newsletter
——————————————————————————–
The Parenting Post
Bringing peace to families.
Authentic Listening
What is authentic listening? Think about sometime in your recent past when one of your children has come to you with a concern…not making a team, a favorite teacher going out for several weeks on maternity leave, fear of messing up at a dance recital or sadness over the death of a pet. Here is what authentic listening is not; taking on the responsibility of getting your child to a place where they are OK with the situation. Responses like, “I bet you’ll make the team next year, I’m sure you will like the sub almost as much as Mrs. Sweet, You know the dance perfectly so you won’t mess up, Spot is in heaven with Sparky now so you don’t need to be so sad” are all attempts to take the child from the emotional place they are in to the emotional place you want them to be in.
I used to believe that I tended to respond in this way because I was a conscious parent and wanted to help my child to see the situation in a way that would make him happier. But after a lot of soul-searching on that belief, I realized the truth. I responded that way because when my child hurt, I hurt. And more than relieving his pain, I was attempting relieve my own pain.
After learning a new way to respond which I call authentic listening, I see that my child is much more likely to get to the emotional place I want him to be in when he has been allowed to express his emotions and work through them on his own schedule.
There are three things we can do with feelings. Express them, repress them or supress them. You likely know that expressing them is the only healthy way to process them. In order for a feeling to be expressed fully, it needs to received. (As adults we can actually receive our own feelings. Call me if you’d like more information on that one!) So in order for our kids to work through their feelings, they need to be able to express them and we need to authentically listen, which means we just need to hear them. Responses to concerns using authentic listening sound more like this, “It is disappointing to try so hard and then not make the team, It’s hard for you to say goodbye to Mrs. Sweet and welcome a teacher who is new to you, You feel a little scared of performing the dance in front of an audience, It’s hard for you to say goodbye to Spot…you have known him all your life.”
It will most likely take some time of authentically listening, before your child is cheerful again. But when you respond to your child’s concern in this way, your child is more likely to find you a safe and understanding person and choose to talk with you when they are upset .
Think about the person in your life you are most likely to discuss disappoinments and worries with. How do you feel when you share an issue and the listener tells you that you should not be concerned about it. We all find out who listens to us and who tries to fix our problems so they can move on. What role do you want to play in your child’s life? The person they can come to with their feelings or the person they avoid sharing their feelings with?
Two wonderful resources on this subject are the books, “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and “How To Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk” by Faber and Mazlish.
Some Q & A
Parent: I know they say that kids should have household chores….but I prefer to do things myself, my way and not hear all of the grumbling and moaning I get when I do give my kids chores. What difference does it make if they do chores or not?
Amy: When kids are truly responsible for some of the jobs that keep a household running, whether they grumble about doing them or not, inside their hearts they know that they are helping the family or ‘team’. Over time and with practice they become more skilled at the chores. When they live in a home where all things are done for them, they are destined to develop a sense of entitlement which tends to grow larger as they do!
Parent: My son really wants a cell phone. A few of his friends have them but I just don’t see the need at this time. Any suggestions?
Amy: How about letting your son buy his own phone and pay for the plan until you really feel the need for him to have the phone. That way you are not saying, “no” and are giving him a wonderful opportunity to work to earn the money or use money he has already saved and practice being responsible. Just remember that if he loses it, don’t get angry. Let him handle the consequences of going without a phone or buying a new one. Our consequences are our greatest teachers…..as long as Mom or Dad don’t yell or lecture us afterward.
Connect with us:
Follow us on Twitter
Like us on Facebook
Read our blog
Watch our podcast
Private Coaching
Feel free to contact Amy for private coaching. This can be done via phone so as long as you live in the US private coaching is an option!
a.egan518@sbcglobal.net
Upcoming:
Look for a workshop series coming in the fall for parents of teens. It will be taught by trained facilitators Amy Egan and Scott Vedane. The workshop is being designed with the unique issues of raising teens at the forefront. The series will be suited for parents who are familiar with the Love and Logic philosophy of raising of children.
Contact Amy with questions for the Q&A section of this newsletter.
Amy Egan, LLC
518 Saginaw
Allen, Texas 75013
Add us to your address book
view email in browser | unsubscribe | update your profile | forward to a friend
You are receiving this newsletter because you have expressed interest in parenting workshops or coaching.
Copyright (C) 2010 Amy Egan, LLC All rights reserved.