Talking to Your Adopted Child
Question and Answer by Amy Egan
November 22nd, 2010
Hello Readers. I have recently had a parenting question that I would like to share…..though I know it affects only a small percentage of parents. That subject is on talking with your adopted child about being adopted. If you are not an adoptive parent, you may decide to hold on to the informationand share it with a friend or relative who is an adoptive parent. I must add, before sharing advice, that I have two children, one biological and one adopted. If I had no knowledge of the following information, I am certain that parenting my adopted child would be much more painful! So I share with all who are interested in hopes that it is helpful, useful and brings peace and comfort to one or many adoptive families!
Q: My child is three and adopted. We adopted him at birth and have shared with him since before he could understand the words, that he is adopted. My concern is this. When and if he comes to me wanting more information on his birth family I am not sure how I will react. Just thinking of the scenario feels like wound to me. It makes me feel threatened and even unappreciated. What do you suggest???
A: As the parent of an adopted child, I can totally relate to your feelings. We feel we have put so much on the line for our kids and to have them become curious or even yearn for their adoptive families, can feel like a slap in the face. My daughter is now 11 and we have had countless conversations about her birth family. (I have heard that some adopted kids have no desire to know anything about their birth families. I believe many more of them do want to know all they can and feel their heritage is vitally important to understanding themselves.) I will tell you how we have handled these conversations and why. I share this info with you because it has been incredibly helpful to us. When our daughter asks questions we answer with as much information as we have. (If you have information that could be extremely hurtful like your child was conceived out of rape or incest or prostitution, etc. it is recommended that you do not share those pieces at this time. You may want to speak a therapist who specializes in adoption and get a recommendation on how to handle the subject when the child is over 18.) Ocassionally she becomes emotional…cries for her loss and for the life her birth family is having to live. (Poverty in another country.) When this happens it is only natural for a parent to want to respond with defensiveness. After all, we might likely feel like chopped liver…..very unappreciated! And we may see that the child is glamourizing what the birth family is like and how much they would be loved by them, and probably that the parent’s would not be so ‘hard on the child’, etc……having them do family chores, pushing them in school and holding them accountable for their actions. It would be oh…so…easy to fall into defensive mode. But I am telling you….if y ou resist that tempation and simply listen to your child, look into their eyes when they speak, and give them empathy for their feelings, the payoff will be invaluable. Kids who are heard work through their feelings. And adopted kids who are heard by their adoptive parents, feel safe coming back to purge when the feelings rise up again. Of course, the opposite is true, as well. So guess what tends to happen when adopted kids bring up grief and sorrow around their adoptions and are met with parents who have hurt feelings and are defensive. Rather than risk hurting their parents again or feeling unheard, they have to do something else with their feelings.
So…if you have an adopted child, I recommend hearing everything they have to say with eyes on them and both ears open. Give them a hug and validate how they are feeling. It will go a long way in preserving your relationship!
Amy