Apr 25 2011

My most recent newsletter. Enjoy

By Amy Egan and has no comments yet.

The Parenting Post
New Skills = Happier Parents!
Do You Have An Eeyore?
Hi Parents! As I have told some of my friends, I recently realized that one of my children has some Eeyore-ish characteristics and if I don’t stay on my toes, they can effect the whole family. I don’t mean the Eeyore stuff like his lack of confidence, (that can be a topic for another newsletter). No….my Eeyore displays his Eeyore-ness by not wanting to do anything other than things he likes to do. You know what I mean, right? Like the rest of you want to try a certain restaurant or to do some activity and when your Eeyore finds out, he mumbles and grumbles and says he is not going and that you can’t make him. Your choice is to go without him, (kind of letting him off the hook, giving in, in my opinion) or bribe him to go (never, ever a good strategy in the long run!!), or tell him he is big trouble if he does not go and then listen to him complain during the activity while he ruins the day for everyone else.
Sometimes, I lose sight of keeping the Eeyore-ness in check and I find that we have stopped doing anything Eeyore might not like because we don’t want to deal with the ramifications mentioned above. But I eventually catch myself and realize what I have been doing. To arrange family life around the ’stinker’ is to do the stinker a major dis-service! When I wake and smell the stink, I have to gather my self and set sail in another direction.
So how do we make sure our Eeyores get the dose of reality they need, go and do things that other family members would like to do, and not allow Eeyore to ruin the fun for everyone else? In my mind, it comes down to this. I am quite certain that your Eeyore has plenty of privileges. (For mine, two at the top of the list are a car to drive and an iphone!) Now who in their right parenting mind would give a kid access to a car and an iphone (among other things) and then allow them to dictate where the family goes on a regular basis? Parents that are not thinking straight or are too wimpy to take the keys and the phone, that’s who! (Me being one of them, at times.) I had to slap myself the other day when I realized that my ‘attitudenilly challenged’ kid had waaaayyyy too much say about certain family decisions. It came to me that, as his parent, it was my responsibility to let him know that if he could not go along and do some things with the family that he did not really feel like doing, that that was proof positive he had too many things!!! And that if he dragged himself along with a crummy attitude, ruining the occasion for everyone else, THAT was also proof positive that he had way too many things!
So, how did Eeyore handle this message? He joined us. He came along with a quiet, but respectful demeanor. And Eeyore actually had some fun. He even enjoyed it a little. It isn’t as if he thanked me for the wonderful life lesson, but he came along and was pleasant and got some things out of the experience. The most valuable nugget we gave to him that day was that ’sometimes you do things for other people’. (And if you are not able to do that, you have too many things and your parents will have to fix that problem right away!)
You may think this is typical teen-age behavior and many might agree with you. But I know loads of you reading this are experiencing Eeyore-ness in your life and you don’t even have a teen yet! My belief is that this behavior is expressive of a child who has a little entitlement issue rather than typical behavior of any aged kid. So, I remind you, tailoring your activities to suit your Eeyore, only makes your Eeyore more Eeyore-ish!
I hope you find my self-disclosure helpful and that it gives you the courage to stand up for your parental rights and obligations. Happy Parenting.

Next Monthly Jam Session: Monday, May 2
12:00 – 2:00pm
$15
My House
Would you like to get a parenting booster shot? Bring your current frustrations and issues and we will brainstorm new ideas and plans for you. Or just come to connect with other like-minded parents, Listen and learn from others’ discussions and walk away feeling more confident and joyful about parenting. Feel free to invite a friend. Email me to reserve your seat!!

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Some Q & A:
Parent : My three year old son is so easily frustrated that often times he disrupts family activities while he melts down over some slight issue. I am concerned about this and wonder if there is a major problem with him emotionally.
Amy: I think it is very likely that there is no major emotional problem with your son. Lots of young kids get frustrated very easily. I suggest that when he becomes frustrated you take him somewhere away from others and all low him to ‘melt down’. While he is having his fit, just provide him with empathy, letting him know that you understand how frustrated he is. If you know what caused the situation, express that to him. EX: “you felt so frustrated because you had built a tall Lego tower and then it fell over and broke apart! That is disappointing!” Feel free to hug him if he’d like that and just keep allowing him to express his feelings. We tend to heal when we feel understood.
If this is not helpful over time, then speak to your pediatrician about your concern.

Parent: I have been working very hard lately to hold my kids accountable and follow the Love and Logic advice but my husband cannot stand to see his children upset and tends to come in and undermine the boundary I have set or the consequence I have laid out.
Amy: Parenting is certainly easier when both mother and father are on the same page, but it is not essential. Talk with your husband and let him know that you feel the most important thing for your kids is that you both present a united to them. Ask him if he’d be willing to make a pact with you; when he is handling a situation with the kids, you will not interfere (this is assuming your husband is not an abusive man, physically or emotionally) and that when you are handling a situation with the kids, that he do the same. You support what the other is doing even if it is not the way you would handle it (and it is not harmful to the kids.) That way, you are not putting him down for his parenting skills and making him feel like you see yourself as superior (even though, you may!) Not undermining each other is the best parental pact you can make.
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Categories: Parenting
Apr 20 2011

Jam Sessions

By Amy Egan and has no comments yet.

Hi Everybody,
I wanted to let you local readers know that every first Monday of the month we hold a parenting “Jam Session” from 12-2pm at my house in Allen. We get together to discuss any current parenting frustrations you may be having and brain storm a plan to transform your frustration into a parenting success!! Email if you’d like to join us for the upcoming May 2 session. You are sure to leave feeling supported and encouraged in tackling your issues.

Categories: Parenting
Apr 20 2011

Last Month’s Newsletter

By Amy Egan and has no comments yet.

Thu, March 24, 2011 3:26:04 PMNewsletter
From: “Amy Egan, LLC” View Contact
To: amy

——————————————————————————–

The Parenting Post

Newsletter
New Perspectives or Old Ones Remembered.
The Great Benefits of Delayed Gratification!

Just what is delayed gratification? Well, I would say, put simply, it is not getting what you want when you want it. A more positive perspective might be, getting lots of things you want after working hard to get them.

When it comes to parenting, we have thousands of opportunities to give our kids what they want when they want it, or, have them wait for a more appropriate time. Naturally, there are many times when giving them what they want immediately is just fine. But I want to talk about the other times…..when not handing it over to them right away is in their best interest.

When kids are little, their desires are little. Gum, candy, a toy, a McDonald’s Happy Meal, a stop at the park, etc. When they are teenagers their desires are often larger, more expensive, potentially more dangerous and life altering like cars and sex. And when they are older much of the time they are making their very own decisions about these desires.

Since most of us hope to have teens and young adults that are able to delay their own gratifications, make wise choices and think before acting, giving them lots of practice when they are younger helps increase the odds that they will, more often than not, do the right thing. When our kids learn early on that today may not be an ice cream day, the wanted stuffed animal will have to go on the birthday list or sweeping out the garage will earn them enough money to get the new computer game, we are building the road to an adolescent who makes good decisions, most often.

There are times, especially the older our kids get, that we want them to have things we might know deep down, they would be better off not getting right away. Sometimes we want them to have these things because we believe they will be more admired by their peers by having them. And sometimes we want our kids to have these things because a little piece of us wants our kid to feel better than others. And sometimes we give them what they want because we think it will make him or her happy…..and we cannot really be happy until our kids are happy.

The danger we fall into by giving in when our soul knows we should not, is that of robbing our kids of the many benefits of delayed gratification. When an object of desire is earned and yearned for, it is valued and appreciated. The even bigger benefits are the feeling of accomplishment….the raising of self-esteem and the strength of character that come from working hard to get what we want. The ripple effect of these benefits are massive. They carrying us through rough times in life and help us feel worthy in other times. Conversely, the absence of these benefits are usually disastrous. A teenager who has not had plenty of experience with delayed gratification has a sense of entitlement, little self confidence and is usually a very unhappy person. They often bully others and use substances to deal with life’s pains rather relying on their own strength, which they have little of.

We are all tempted to give our kids too much, too soon, too often. But when we can look at the bigger picture of their lives, we see that it is so often in their best interest to allow them the chance to earn and yearn, work hard for the things they want, strive to reach their goals and feel strong and capable at the end of the day. (Real self-esteem comes directly from feeling capable.) It is not always easy to look beyond the here and now of a situation. But when we try to see the larger benefit of the big picture, it is easier to watch our kids struggle and cheer them on along the way!

Best of luck letting your children and teens delay their gratifications!
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Announcement!

Regualar Monthly Jam Sessions
Every first Monday
12-2pm
Amy’s House

Next Jam Session:

Monday, April 4
12-2
Fee-$15
Please email to reserve spot
Limit: 10
Bring your current parenting frustrations, leave with a fresh perspective and a new plan!

Some Q & A

Parent: My daughter is turning 16 this summer. Some of her friends have been getting new cars for their 16th birthdays. Is this a good idea?

Amy: The Love and Logic Institute says that studies prove, the more sweat equity a person has in driving, the safer driver they will be. Teenagers today are often very busy with school and extra curricular activities. It would be impossible for most of them to purchase their own cars. If you’d like your daughter to have a car it would be best for her to contribute in some way, financially or via extra chores, to the car. Some ideas are partial payment toward insurance and/or gas, matching funds toward the purchase of a car, and at the very least, depositing into your account the amount of your auto deductible.
If you suspect alcohol or drug use, revoke the privilege of driving immediately.

Parent: Due to a recent move, my son had to change schools. His sadness over the change is more than I can bear. I have not been able to get him to see that in time, he will likely make many new friends and feel very comfortable at the new school.

Amy: As loving parents we usually feel great pain when our kids are in pain. For that reason we try and hurry them through their adjustment process. Try simply listening and empathizing with your son. Really listen by looking him in they eye and repeating what he says. Remember, you are not allowed to try to fix anything. You are only allowed to listen and validate how he is feeling. Things will not likely improve right away as the adjustment is a process. But they will likely improve more quickly when his feelings are expressed and then received.
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Copyright (C) 2011 Amy Egan, LLC All rights reserved.

Categories: Parenting