Amy's Texas Parenting

Hi Friends,
I wanted to let you all know there will be a Jam Session on April 23 from noon to 2 at my house in Allen. Fee is $15. Come with any issues you are currently experiencing, brainstorm with me and other parents, feel supported, hear other parenting issues and learn from them, leave with a plan and a light heart!! Contact me to reserve your spot. Limit, 10.

Since I write a monthly article for North Texas Kids Magazine, I have decided to share them with all of you. Here is one of them. I focus on parents on advice for parents of tweens and teens. Enjoy!

If you are the parent of a young child, you may still have one who freely talks about her thoughts, ideas, feelings and experiences. You may also have heard that once your child becomes older, she will not share with you the way she does now. If you are the parent of an older child, you may now be experiencing a relationship that seems to have little communication within it. You may feel grief over what once was, and wonder where it all went ‘wrong’.

Something important to remember is the natural process of growing up, pulling away, relying on peers more and the preference of friends over parents. Hurtful as it may feel, it is helpful to both parent and child in the long run.

That being said, there are some things a parent can do to foster a fairly open and communicative relationship with their older children. These ideas I am about to give you are quite simple and can be very effective. The degree to which your relationship becomes richer has much to do with the determination you have to let go your old style of talking with your child, and create a new habit, a new way. Simple indeed, yet not necessarily easy. The skills I am about to mention are all about listening more and speaking less.

When your tween/teen does decide to share something, tell yourself that your only responsibility is to hear what he is saying and understand how he feels. Your knee-jerk response will likely be to tell him how to fix his problem. I am asking you to ditch your initial responses and think first. When you do, you will remember to listen.

It may be that your child is ranting and raving about a teacher, coach, boss or friend that has angered them. Though you naturally want to help her see why the person may have done or said the thing that angered her, refrain!! Unless, of course, you want your child to stomp off and zip her lips more tightly than ever. When you try to explain the other person’s actions, you miss the point. Your child wants to feel understood. (Don’t worry…..just because you understand her feelings does not mean you are jumping on her band wagon.) So give her eye contact, listen and let her know you hear her by repeating what she says or even giving a simple acknowledgment like, “I see” or “Uh-huh.”

Most of the time, all your tween/teen wants is a place to express his feelings. Once he expresses them (they must be received to be fully expressed) he can begin to work through his feelings. If you try and talk him out of his feelings, like your knee-jerk reaction would have you do, he must dig his heels in and you only drive a larger wedge between the two of you.

This is also true when our children come to us with fears. We want to tell them everything will be alright. In doing so we dismiss their feelings and send them off looking for someone else who WILL understand them. Instead, your only goal at this point is to support their feelings. Later in the conversation you can give your two cents or advice, if they are asking for it. And don’t be married to their loving and taking your advice. Give it and allow them to decide if they want to take it.

Another opportunity we have to build an open relationship with our kids is when they are enthusiastic about something and we see little chance their ‘something’ will work out. For example, I saw a teenage boy excitedly tell his mother that when he started working at the grocery store he was going to work 90 a week. She quickly shut him down by saying, “I’ve got news for you, Buddy. You’ll work the hours the store tells you to work.” I saw the look on his face. He was deflated, completely. I would love to have seen that mother respond to her son with, “Oh, you are looking forward to making a lot of money!” and let the store reveal to him how the schedule worked.

The hardest area for me to follow this advice is when my teenage son blurts out a statement that challenges my values. I have often jumped on him to tell him how wrong he was to see things the way he was seeing them. But whenever I have done this, I have created that wedge I referred to earlier. When I have taken this advice, I have listened to him and simply repeated his stance. I have not agreed with him but I have not forced my own perspective on him. I usually have ended the conversation with something like, “Thanks for sharing. Your view is quite different from mine but I like knowing how you see things. ” And when I have given up the need to be right, he oftentimes has agreed with my values later on.

One last scenario I want to mention is when you see your teen down. It is so tempting to react and ask, “what’s wrong?” Assuming you have tried this in the past, I ask you, how did it work out? Did your teen open up and reveal all of her feelings? Or did she respond with something like, “NOTHING!”? If you’d like a new way to respond to your sad or dejected looking tween/teen, try this. Make a statement like, “Wow. You look pretty down. If you’d like to talk about anything, let me know.” And then, go about your own business. You may not get her to share right away but she is more likely to come to you in time. And when you do this regularly, you may have a child who feels truly safe in revealing herself to you.

So you see, there are some very simple skills you can adapt that will encourage more openness with your tween/teen. In summary, remember to:

Listen -

• without judging
• without advising
• with empathy
• with a goal of simply understanding
• and see if things don’t begin to improve between you and your older child.

~ Happy Parenting!

The Parenting Post

New Skills = Happier Families

Getting Kids to Do Stuff

One of thee (not a typo!) most frustrating and annoying tasks many of us face on a constant basis while raising children, is getting them to the things we need them to do, or the things they themselves need to do. I see two main categories when it comes to Stuff Kids Need To Do. Category A is the stuff we need them to do like chores and getting themselves ready when we are preparing to leave the house. Category B would include the things they need to do that affect them a lot more than they affect us, like doing homework or practicing a sport.

Let’s talk first about Category A. When we want kids to do things like clean their rooms, take out the trash or empty the dishwasher many of us find ourselves nagging them to get these things done. By the time they get to the task, we could have done it ourselves several times over. So, instead of the nagging method, I have found the following techniques much more effective.
I like to give the child some lea-way by providing some options or parameters. After all, I don’t appreciate someone telling me do something and expecting me to drop everything and do it NOW! So I like to provide options that I know the child can handle. Here are some examples:

have it done within a certain time frame, like by six o’clock or the end of the weekend (this is where knowing what your child can handle comes in…..a kid with a short attention span could not handle an extended time frame so the chore would never get done.)

have it done before doing something else like watching TV, playing on the computer or catching up with your face book friends ( I have found this one to be very effective and helps gets things done more quickly….what they get to do after seems to be the payoff.)
These are best communicated in family friendly language. Rather than saying, “You cannot watch TV until that dishwasher is emptied!” try, “Sure, you can watch TV as soon as the dishwasher is emptied!” This promotes more cooperation and better feelings between parent and child.

Category B may seem more tricky. This is because most of the situations in Category B are things we want the child to do because we do not want them to make a mistake and look bad. If our kid does not do his homework, what will the teacher think of him? What will she think of us, as parents?
I like to suggest that the parent email the teacher or coach and let them know that you are in the processing of giving your child ownership over their problems and there may some tough lessons to follow while this transference is taking place. Teachers love parents who butt out and let their kids learn the lessons on their own! Just ask one.

This does not mean you do not provide a time and place for these tasks to be done. It means you no longer hover, attempting to control exactly how and when it gets done or even if it does get done. (If it does not get done, give the teacher/coach permission to provide the consequences.)

By following these tips you will eventually find that you are less stressed, more things are getting done, your child begins to make better choices and, in turn, feels better about herself. It may take some failure for them at first, and you not taking back ownership of the problem when it happens. A bit of empathy and the natural consequences are priceless teachers! Then things are very likely to improve in the long run. And isn’t the long run what matters anyway?

Some Q & A

Parent: My 14 year old daughter is “Miss Contrary”. No matter what I say, she says the opposite. Even if what I say is true and obvious. This is driving me crazy and there is constant tension between us!

Amy: This sounds like the behavior of kid who really, really wants to be heard. Try paying attention to her views, her comments and opinions. And rather than telling her she is wrong to see it that way, thank her for sharing her perspective. You do not need to agree with her. But let her know that you hear her view, as outrageous as it may be. You can even let her know you see it quite differently but end the conversation with letting her realizing you have heard her opinion. If she feels heard, she will begin to be able to release the need to be so contrary. We all just want to be understood, especially when we are 14!

Parent: My elementary age boys spend so much time doing electronic activities. Should I limit their time?

Amy: Yes. Experts say that 30 to 60 minutes a day is all a child should have on electronics. You can decide yourself what is appropriate and then feel free to set and enforce the limit. You will have kids that are bored but remember that boredom is healthy and fuels the imagination. Less screen time leads to more creativity.

Upcoming Events
Let’s Jam!
Come together with other like-minded parents. Bring your current frustrations and issues. Leave with answers and plans. Or just come to re-charge your “calm, assertive pack leader” parenting batteries!
Upcoming Jam Sessions:
Tuesday, Nov. 8th
9:30-11:30am
or
Monday, Nov. 15
noon-2pm

$15
My Home
Email to RSVP and get address

PRIVATE COACHING
Done in person or via phone.
We spend our time totally focusing on your specific issues, questions, concerns. Just a few sessions often makes all the difference!
$60 per hour or $150 for three sessions

Most parents are not born with the innate knowledge of how to be a great parent. Most of us need to be taught effective techniques that make the parenting road smoother and more fun!

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Allen, Texas 75013

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The Parenting Post
New Skills = Happier Parents!
Do You Have An Eeyore?
Hi Parents! As I have told some of my friends, I recently realized that one of my children has some Eeyore-ish characteristics and if I don’t stay on my toes, they can effect the whole family. I don’t mean the Eeyore stuff like his lack of confidence, (that can be a topic for another newsletter). No….my Eeyore displays his Eeyore-ness by not wanting to do anything other than things he likes to do. You know what I mean, right? Like the rest of you want to try a certain restaurant or to do some activity and when your Eeyore finds out, he mumbles and grumbles and says he is not going and that you can’t make him. Your choice is to go without him, (kind of letting him off the hook, giving in, in my opinion) or bribe him to go (never, ever a good strategy in the long run!!), or tell him he is big trouble if he does not go and then listen to him complain during the activity while he ruins the day for everyone else.
Sometimes, I lose sight of keeping the Eeyore-ness in check and I find that we have stopped doing anything Eeyore might not like because we don’t want to deal with the ramifications mentioned above. But I eventually catch myself and realize what I have been doing. To arrange family life around the ‘stinker’ is to do the stinker a major dis-service! When I wake and smell the stink, I have to gather my self and set sail in another direction.
So how do we make sure our Eeyores get the dose of reality they need, go and do things that other family members would like to do, and not allow Eeyore to ruin the fun for everyone else? In my mind, it comes down to this. I am quite certain that your Eeyore has plenty of privileges. (For mine, two at the top of the list are a car to drive and an iphone!) Now who in their right parenting mind would give a kid access to a car and an iphone (among other things) and then allow them to dictate where the family goes on a regular basis? Parents that are not thinking straight or are too wimpy to take the keys and the phone, that’s who! (Me being one of them, at times.) I had to slap myself the other day when I realized that my ‘attitudenilly challenged’ kid had waaaayyyy too much say about certain family decisions. It came to me that, as his parent, it was my responsibility to let him know that if he could not go along and do some things with the family that he did not really feel like doing, that that was proof positive he had too many things!!! And that if he dragged himself along with a crummy attitude, ruining the occasion for everyone else, THAT was also proof positive that he had way too many things!
So, how did Eeyore handle this message? He joined us. He came along with a quiet, but respectful demeanor. And Eeyore actually had some fun. He even enjoyed it a little. It isn’t as if he thanked me for the wonderful life lesson, but he came along and was pleasant and got some things out of the experience. The most valuable nugget we gave to him that day was that ‘sometimes you do things for other people’. (And if you are not able to do that, you have too many things and your parents will have to fix that problem right away!)
You may think this is typical teen-age behavior and many might agree with you. But I know loads of you reading this are experiencing Eeyore-ness in your life and you don’t even have a teen yet! My belief is that this behavior is expressive of a child who has a little entitlement issue rather than typical behavior of any aged kid. So, I remind you, tailoring your activities to suit your Eeyore, only makes your Eeyore more Eeyore-ish!
I hope you find my self-disclosure helpful and that it gives you the courage to stand up for your parental rights and obligations. Happy Parenting.

Next Monthly Jam Session: Monday, May 2
12:00 – 2:00pm
$15
My House
Would you like to get a parenting booster shot? Bring your current frustrations and issues and we will brainstorm new ideas and plans for you. Or just come to connect with other like-minded parents, Listen and learn from others’ discussions and walk away feeling more confident and joyful about parenting. Feel free to invite a friend. Email me to reserve your seat!!

Connect with us:
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Watch our podcast

Some Q & A:
Parent : My three year old son is so easily frustrated that often times he disrupts family activities while he melts down over some slight issue. I am concerned about this and wonder if there is a major problem with him emotionally.
Amy: I think it is very likely that there is no major emotional problem with your son. Lots of young kids get frustrated very easily. I suggest that when he becomes frustrated you take him somewhere away from others and all low him to ‘melt down’. While he is having his fit, just provide him with empathy, letting him know that you understand how frustrated he is. If you know what caused the situation, express that to him. EX: “you felt so frustrated because you had built a tall Lego tower and then it fell over and broke apart! That is disappointing!” Feel free to hug him if he’d like that and just keep allowing him to express his feelings. We tend to heal when we feel understood.
If this is not helpful over time, then speak to your pediatrician about your concern.

Parent: I have been working very hard lately to hold my kids accountable and follow the Love and Logic advice but my husband cannot stand to see his children upset and tends to come in and undermine the boundary I have set or the consequence I have laid out.
Amy: Parenting is certainly easier when both mother and father are on the same page, but it is not essential. Talk with your husband and let him know that you feel the most important thing for your kids is that you both present a united to them. Ask him if he’d be willing to make a pact with you; when he is handling a situation with the kids, you will not interfere (this is assuming your husband is not an abusive man, physically or emotionally) and that when you are handling a situation with the kids, that he do the same. You support what the other is doing even if it is not the way you would handle it (and it is not harmful to the kids.) That way, you are not putting him down for his parenting skills and making him feel like you see yourself as superior (even though, you may!) Not undermining each other is the best parental pact you can make.
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Hi Everybody,
I wanted to let you local readers know that every first Monday of the month we hold a parenting “Jam Session” from 12-2pm at my house in Allen. We get together to discuss any current parenting frustrations you may be having and brain storm a plan to transform your frustration into a parenting success!! Email if you’d like to join us for the upcoming May 2 session. You are sure to leave feeling supported and encouraged in tackling your issues.

Thu, March 24, 2011 3:26:04 PMNewsletter
From: “Amy Egan, LLC” View Contact
To: amy

Parents! Come for a Jam Session on Monday, March 7. Gather with other like minded parents…bring your issues and frustrations as we gather to discuss plans for you to take home. Learn from others as well as my advice. Have some fun and feel great about being a parent!
Email me for details.

——————————————————————————–

The Parenting Post
New Ideas……Happier Families!
“I Feel Stuck!”

Everybody’s been there. And maybe you are even there right now. You feel like you are doing everything right, the way you learned, the way you have practiced and the way it has worked in the past. Yet, something isn’t working this time and you can’t seem to be able to figure out why. Well, recently I worked with a mom who was in such a place. Here is the story of our session and how it turned it out. Maybe……the piece to her puzzle will be the piece to yours, now or later, and you too, can become unstuck!

I had met with Sandy ( of course, it is not her real name!) several times in the past couple of years. She was well read and well versed in Love and Logic. She had been practicing it with commitment, and there had much postive change within her family. When we got together last week, it had been several months since our last consult. As she got me up to date on the goings on and issues of her family, I was impressed with how well she remembered and practiced the Love and Logic principles. She was doing a great job of remaining calm, having empathy for her daughter, eight year old Kailey, when she made mistakes or made poor choices. She was not rescuing her and was allowing the consequences to be the teacher. And most impressive of all, she was not pouring salt into the wound by reminding Kailey of her mistake…. to hammer in the lesson (and erase that lesson by making Kailey feel stupid!) Sandra was also doing a good job of giving her daughter choices whenever possible and using enforceable statements rather than commands since these things empower the child and help them to feel respected. So why then, Sandra wanted to know, was Kailey so often grumpy, mad and just plain hostile toward her mother? Sandra knew that there had to be a missing piece to the puzzle and it was causing Kailey to feel resentful toward her mom.

During our session together, Sandra mentioned also that her daughter complains a lot. She often puts herself down…. the way she looks, her school work, etc. When I asked Sandra how she responded to Kailey’s complaints, the missing puzzle piece jumped out! Like most loving mothers, Sandra was trying to build her daughter up whenever she felt down. To, “I hate my hair….it’s so ugly,” Mom would respond with, ” oh Honey, no it’s not….your hair is gorgeous” and to “my handwriting is so messy” she would respond with something like, “no it’s not…..for an eight year old, it is very neat.” As Sandra was speaking, a smile came across my face. And then Sandra realized the piece, too. With her eyes wide open she exclaimed, “Oh my God! I have been telling her all of her feelings are wrong! I have not made her feel heard, understood or that her opinion matters. I’ve got it!”

So, what responses are best if we want our kids to feel like we care about their perspective? Together, Sandra and I re-worked her answers to her daughter’s complaints. Instead of arguing with her about whether or not her hair is ugly or gorgeous, she has decided to say, “you aren’t feeling good about your hair”, or “sounds like you feel you’re having a bad hair day….I hate those!” And the same of the handwriting or any other complaint like these. By simply validating her feelings, Kailey will begin to feel like her mother is truly listening, understands how she feels and has some empathy for her. To solve the issue is not Sandra’s job. That belongs to Kailey. To listen and care….is her mother’s place and gift to her daughter.

Jam Session Coming!
If you would like to gather with other like-minded parents, bring your recent parenting frustrations, get my ‘two cents’ and learn from others’ issues, come to a two hour group coaching session. Details to the right. Or contact me for questions. Jam Sessions are usually a lot of fun and full of ideas and information. See you there!
Connect with us:
Follow us on Twitter
Like us on Facebook
Read our blog
Watch our podcast

Would You Like To Refresh Your Parenting Skills??
Let’s have a Jam Session!
Monday, March 7.
12pm – 2pm.
My house. Email me for address and to save your spot.
Limit, 10 wonderful parents.
$15.

Some Q & A

Parent: My 9 year old son really wants a guinea pig. He is willing to pay for it with his own money and claims with all his might, that he will be the one to take care of it. I am a firm believer in the Love and Logic principles and can usually allow my child to make a mistake and let the consequences fall where they may. But I strongly suspect he will tire of the care the guinea pig requires and do not feel it fair to let the animal suffer. How can I let him experience some consequences of not caring for his pet, if that happens, without punishing the guinea pig?

Amy: Yes….letting the animal suffer the consequences is not an option. So you will have to engineer another plan if you want to allow him to do this. Let him know before you even agree to this purchase that if he chooses not to care for his pet in a humane way you will have to do something about it. (Good idea to leave the something a mystery!) Then, should that happen, here are some choices I see. You can give the animal to another family, take it back to the pet store, or care for it yourself. If you care for it yourself he will need to pay for your services with his money or by doing some of your own chores. (Make sure the chores you give him are much more distasteful than caring for his guinea pig.) If he doesn’t want to pay up, just remove the privileges he enjoys until he comes through.

Parent: My 3rd grade daughter often likes for me to help her with her homework. This is fine with me until she gets frustrated and starts yelling at me and blaming me for her frustrations. I am at my wits end with this!

Amy: It may be hard for you to do, but when the yelling starts, you need to be all done helping for the evening. You can let her know ahead of time that you are willing to help as long as you feel respected. When she yells, calmly tell her that though this is sad, you are finished helping for the night. When and if she has an all out melt down, you can give her some empathy and let her know you are willing to try helping again tomorrow. Resist the temptation to cave and go back and help when she turns nice. And, for sure resist the temptation to yell back and remind her that she ‘blew it’! She already knows that.
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Question and Answer by Amy Egan
November 22nd, 2010
Hello Readers. I have recently had a parenting question that I would like to share…..though I know it affects only a small percentage of parents. That subject is on talking with your adopted child about being adopted. If you are not an adoptive parent, you may decide to hold on to the informationand share it with a friend or relative who is an adoptive parent. I must add, before sharing advice, that I have two children, one biological and one adopted. If I had no knowledge of the following information, I am certain that parenting my adopted child would be much more painful! So I share with all who are interested in hopes that it is helpful, useful and brings peace and comfort to one or many adoptive families!

Q: My child is three and adopted. We adopted him at birth and have shared with him since before he could understand the words, that he is adopted. My concern is this. When and if he comes to me wanting more information on his birth family I am not sure how I will react. Just thinking of the scenario feels like wound to me. It makes me feel threatened and even unappreciated. What do you suggest???

A: As the parent of an adopted child, I can totally relate to your feelings. We feel we have put so much on the line for our kids and to have them become curious or even yearn for their adoptive families, can feel like a slap in the face. My daughter is now 11 and we have had countless conversations about her birth family. (I have heard that some adopted kids have no desire to know anything about their birth families. I believe many more of them do want to know all they can and feel their heritage is vitally important to understanding themselves.) I will tell you how we have handled these conversations and why. I share this info with you because it has been incredibly helpful to us. When our daughter asks questions we answer with as much information as we have. (If you have information that could be extremely hurtful like your child was conceived out of rape or incest or prostitution, etc. it is recommended that you do not share those pieces at this time. You may want to speak a therapist who specializes in adoption and get a recommendation on how to handle the subject when the child is over 18.) Ocassionally she becomes emotional…cries for her loss and for the life her birth family is having to live. (Poverty in another country.) When this happens it is only natural for a parent to want to respond with defensiveness. After all, we might likely feel like chopped liver…..very unappreciated! And we may see that the child is glamourizing what the birth family is like and how much they would be loved by them, and probably that the parent’s would not be so ‘hard on the child’, etc……having them do family chores, pushing them in school and holding them accountable for their actions. It would be oh…so…easy to fall into defensive mode. But I am telling you….if y ou resist that tempation and simply listen to your child, look into their eyes when they speak, and give them empathy for their feelings, the payoff will be invaluable. Kids who are heard work through their feelings. And adopted kids who are heard by their adoptive parents, feel safe coming back to purge when the feelings rise up again. Of course, the opposite is true, as well. So guess what tends to happen when adopted kids bring up grief and sorrow around their adoptions and are met with parents who have hurt feelings and are defensive. Rather than risk hurting their parents again or feeling unheard, they have to do something else with their feelings.

So…if you have an adopted child, I recommend hearing everything they have to say with eyes on them and both ears open. Give them a hug and validate how they are feeling. It will go a long way in preserving your relationship!

Amy

Before I took effective parenting courses, I did what I could to avoid my kids’ being unhappy or mad. I thought that was what a good mother was supposed to do. Once I got educated, I realized what a disservice I was actually doing to my children. For one thing, when you live your life avoiding anger or disappointment from kids, they realize it and are completely in charge of the family. For another, they come to expect you to work really hard at making their lives good and fun, and are quite resentful when things don’t go the way they would like them to go. Now you have a child with a big sense of entitlement. (Kids with entitlement issues are not happy people.) You have also robbed your child of learning how to make him/herslef happy…..a necessary character trait if you want your child to function optimally in life.
So, when you find yourself wanting to keep your kids happy or do what it takes to avoid their anger, remember that you are actually doing damage. Kids that are the happiest are the ones who can experience and handle disappointment and limits.

Transitioning Tweens
The Leap to Middle School

Whether your school district transitions students from elementary to middle school in sixth grade or seventh, it can be a difficult time for kids, and parents, as well. There are the obvious adjustments like a larger school building, use of lockers, loads of new faces, unfamiliar teachers and different rules. And the entrance into middle school usually brings about new pressures to wear the right clothes, say the right things and fit in with certain groups. Many childhood experts see this as the most difficult time, socially, for most kids. I have heard it referred to as the time to “eat or be eaten”.

So what can a parent do to help alleviate the pressure their children may experience during this time of life? There is no magic bullet that will ensure your child goes from elementary school into middle school experiencing no stress. However, if handled well, many of these experiences can end up being beneficial life lessons in the long run. As a parenting coach I often recommend the following formula.

The most important tip I give to a parent with a stressed child is to listen to him/her. Truly hear what he has to say. As difficult as it may be, resist the temptation to plaquate him with pat answers like, “things will work out fine….just give it time.” (This is actually a great way to push your child away. ) Then, rather than come up with your own answers to his problem, simply authentically hear what he has to say. Believe him and acknowledge his feelings. Then ask him what he thinks his options are. Each time he comes up with an idea, ask him how he thinks that will work for him. If he is struggling to come up with anything, offer some of your own ideas and again, check to see how he feels that might work for him. If he comes up with a plan or decides to use one of your ideas, wish him luck and let him know you will be thinking of him and pulling for him as he goes off to school.

By authentically listening to him, he feels heard. He also feels like you (at least somewhat) understand what he is experiencing. By not throwing out advice right away, he hears that you trust his judgment. Both of these tips help create a climate where your child feels safe and supported.

If your child continues to feel stressed after the first few weeks of middle school and you have taken the above advice, call their school counselor. He/she will undoubtabely have helped many students through similar circumstances in the past. If you are not comfortable going to the school counselor there are some fantastic therapists that specialize in working with the unique issues of middle and high schoolers.( A friend of mine took her seventh grade daughter to one of these therapists and the relief her daughter felt was almost immediate.)

And take heart. Most transition periods help to prepare us for life. They are just a little easier to muddle through when we have the right kind of support.

Amy Egan, LLC
Parenting Coach/Consultant
a.egan518@sbcglobal.net

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The Parenting Post
Bringing peace to families.
Authentic Listening
What is authentic listening? Think about sometime in your recent past when one of your children has come to you with a concern…not making a team, a favorite teacher going out for several weeks on maternity leave, fear of messing up at a dance recital or sadness over the death of a pet. Here is what authentic listening is not; taking on the responsibility of getting your child to a place where they are OK with the situation. Responses like, “I bet you’ll make the team next year, I’m sure you will like the sub almost as much as Mrs. Sweet, You know the dance perfectly so you won’t mess up, Spot is in heaven with Sparky now so you don’t need to be so sad” are all attempts to take the child from the emotional place they are in to the emotional place you want them to be in.

I used to believe that I tended to respond in this way because I was a conscious parent and wanted to help my child to see the situation in a way that would make him happier. But after a lot of soul-searching on that belief, I realized the truth. I responded that way because when my child hurt, I hurt. And more than relieving his pain, I was attempting relieve my own pain.

After learning a new way to respond which I call authentic listening, I see that my child is much more likely to get to the emotional place I want him to be in when he has been allowed to express his emotions and work through them on his own schedule.

There are three things we can do with feelings. Express them, repress them or supress them. You likely know that expressing them is the only healthy way to process them. In order for a feeling to be expressed fully, it needs to received. (As adults we can actually receive our own feelings. Call me if you’d like more information on that one!) So in order for our kids to work through their feelings, they need to be able to express them and we need to authentically listen, which means we just need to hear them. Responses to concerns using authentic listening sound more like this, “It is disappointing to try so hard and then not make the team, It’s hard for you to say goodbye to Mrs. Sweet and welcome a teacher who is new to you, You feel a little scared of performing the dance in front of an audience, It’s hard for you to say goodbye to Spot…you have known him all your life.”

It will most likely take some time of authentically listening, before your child is cheerful again. But when you respond to your child’s concern in this way, your child is more likely to find you a safe and understanding person and choose to talk with you when they are upset .

Think about the person in your life you are most likely to discuss disappoinments and worries with. How do you feel when you share an issue and the listener tells you that you should not be concerned about it. We all find out who listens to us and who tries to fix our problems so they can move on. What role do you want to play in your child’s life? The person they can come to with their feelings or the person they avoid sharing their feelings with?

Two wonderful resources on this subject are the books, “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and “How To Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk” by Faber and Mazlish.

Some Q & A

Parent: I know they say that kids should have household chores….but I prefer to do things myself, my way and not hear all of the grumbling and moaning I get when I do give my kids chores. What difference does it make if they do chores or not?

Amy: When kids are truly responsible for some of the jobs that keep a household running, whether they grumble about doing them or not, inside their hearts they know that they are helping the family or ‘team’. Over time and with practice they become more skilled at the chores. When they live in a home where all things are done for them, they are destined to develop a sense of entitlement which tends to grow larger as they do!

Parent: My son really wants a cell phone. A few of his friends have them but I just don’t see the need at this time. Any suggestions?

Amy: How about letting your son buy his own phone and pay for the plan until you really feel the need for him to have the phone. That way you are not saying, “no” and are giving him a wonderful opportunity to work to earn the money or use money he has already saved and practice being responsible. Just remember that if he loses it, don’t get angry. Let him handle the consequences of going without a phone or buying a new one. Our consequences are our greatest teachers…..as long as Mom or Dad don’t yell or lecture us afterward.
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Private Coaching
Feel free to contact Amy for private coaching. This can be done via phone so as long as you live in the US private coaching is an option!
a.egan518@sbcglobal.net

Upcoming:
Look for a workshop series coming in the fall for parents of teens. It will be taught by trained facilitators Amy Egan and Scott Vedane. The workshop is being designed with the unique issues of raising teens at the forefront. The series will be suited for parents who are familiar with the Love and Logic philosophy of raising of children.

Contact Amy with questions for the Q&A section of this newsletter.

Amy Egan, LLC
518 Saginaw
Allen, Texas 75013

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start watching “The Dog Whisperer”! It is the same simple (not always easy) information. We should all be calm, assertive pack leaders! This increases the odds our kids will behave the way we’d like them to!

Hello Parents,

I wanted to let you all know of the upcoming Love and Logic “Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!” five week course. The class will begin in Saturday, April 10 and meet for five consecutive Saturdays from 10am to noon. Childcare will be provided for a nominal fee. The fee for this course is $79 and will be held at the Goddard School in Allen. Call or email me to register.

If you are feeling stressed with parenting, or just want to get some new tips and stay ahead of the game, here are some of the options Amy can provide.
1. One-to-one coaching. This can be done in person or via phone so it does not matter where you live. It can be most helpful when you are feeling most frustrated!
2. Parenting Workshops. Keep a watch for what’s coming up. Or contact Amy to set up a workshop for you and your friends.
3. Love and Logic Parenting Courses. (“Becoming a Love and Logic Parent” which focuses on raising kids of all ages, even adult kids! This is all about relationships no matter the age. And “Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!” geared toward parents of children age 0 – 6.)
3. Speaking engagements.
Contact Amy if you’d like more information on a course, workshop or speaking engagement for your group or if you’d like to dig right in with some one-to-one coaching!

I just had the pleasure of attending another conference with Jim and Charles Fay this morning. It was so heartening to see over 500 parents in attendance. So many people wanting to be the best parents they can be! I nver tire of hearing their no-nonsense approach.

Brown Bag Parenting Workshop Part 2

For anyone unable to attend my Parenting Workshop on improving your communication skills with your kiddos, I am having a follow-up workshop March 9 at my home. We will review the techniques I taught at Workshop #1 and then go on to discover the formula for helping kids attain higher self-esteem.

Join me on March 9 from 11:30-1pm (skills you can learn on your lunch hour!) in Allen. The fee for the workshop is $20. Please use the form below to enroll.

Get ready to have a few laughs and learn new skills all the same time!

Amy Egan, Texas Parenting Coach

Discover the secrets of “Becoming a Love and Logic Parent” and raising responsible, respectful children that are fun to be around!

What is parenting with Love and Logic?

Have you ever thought, ‘there has to be a better way to parent’? Well, there is!! Learn to be a Love and Logic parent! As you develop new parenting skills you will be able to lower your blood pressure and stress level, have more time for yourself, and raise happier kids who feel good about themselves and enjoy being with you to boot!

Love and Logic is an easy to learn approach to parenting that was developed by Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay, founders of the Love and Logic Institute. The techniques are specifically designed to help parents increase the odds of raising responsible, respectful children that are also lots of fun to be around!

The courses will teach you the unique approach to unlocking the secrets of successful parenting. You will receive practical, simple to use tools that will provide you with immediate results.