Amy's Texas Parenting

News

Amy Egan — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 03:11:39 +0000

Since I write a monthly article for North Texas Kids Magazine, I have decided to share them with all of you. Here is one of them. I focus on parents on advice for parents of tweens and teens. Enjoy!

Articles I Wrote For Local Magazine

Amy Egan — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 03:02:54 +0000

Getting Tweens and Teens to Talk
If you are the parent of a young child, you may still have one who freely talks about her thoughts, ideas, feelings and experiences. You may also have heard that once your child becomes older, she will not share with you the way she does now. If you are the parent of an older child, you may now be experiencing a relationship that seems to have little communication within it. You may feel grief over what once was, and wonder where it all went ‘wrong’.
Something important to remember is the natural process of growing up, pulling away, relying on peers more and the preference of friends over parents. Hurtful as it may feel, it is helpful to both parent and child in the long run.
That being said, there are some things a parent can do to foster a fairly open and communicative relationship with their older children. These ideas I am about to give you are quite simple and can be very effective. The degree to which your relationship becomes richer has much to do with the determination you have to let go your old style of talking with your child, and create a new habit, a new way. Simple indeed, yet not necessarily easy. The skills I am about to mention are all about listening more and speaking less.
When your tween/teen does decide to share something, tell yourself that your only responsibility is to hear what he is saying and understand how he feels. Your knee-jerk response will likely be to tell him how to fix his problem. I am asking you to ditch your initial responses and think first. When you do, you will remember to listen.
It may be that your child is ranting and raving about a teacher, coach, boss or friend that has angered them. Though you naturally want to help her see why the person may have done or said the thing that angered her, refrain!! Unless, of course, you want your child to stomp off and zip her lips more tightly than ever. When you try to explain the other person’s actions, you miss the point. Your child wants to feel understood. (Don’t worry…..just because you understand her feelings does not mean you are jumping on her band wagon.) So give her eye contact, listen and let her know you hear her by repeating what she says or even giving a simple acknowledgment like, “I see” or “Uh-huh.”
Most of the time, all your tween/teen wants is a place to express his feelings. Once he expresses them (they must be received to be fully expressed) he can begin to work through his feelings. If you try and talk him out of his feelings, like your knee-jerk reaction would have you do, he must dig his heels in and you only drive a larger wedge between the two of you.
This is also true when our children come to us with fears. We want to tell them everything will be alright. In doing so we dismiss their feelings and send them off looking for someone else who WILL understand them. Instead, your only goal at this point is to support their feelings. Later in the conversation you can give your two cents or advice, if they are asking for it. And don’t be married to their loving and taking your advice. Give it and allow them to decide if they want to take it.
Another opportunity we have to build an open relationship with our kids is when they are enthusiastic about something and we see little chance their ’something’ will work out. For example, I saw a teenage boy excitedly tell his mother that when he started working at the grocery store he was going to work 90 a week. She quickly shut him down by saying, “I’ve got news for you, Buddy. You’ll work the hours the store tells you to work.” I saw the look on his face. He was deflated, completely. I would love to have seen that mother respond to her son with, “Oh, you are looking forward to making a lot of money!” and let the store reveal to him how the schedule worked.
The hardest area for me to follow this advice is when my teenage son blurts out a statement that challenges my values. I have often jumped on him to tell him how wrong he was to see things the way he was seeing them. But whenever I have done this, I have created that wedge I referred to earlier. When I have taken this advice, I have listened to him and simply repeated his stance. I have not agreed with him but I have not forced my own perspective on him. I usually have ended the conversation with something like, “Thanks for sharing. Your view is quite different from mine but I like knowing how you see things. ” And when I have given up the need to be right, he oftentimes has agreed with my values later on.
One last scenario I want to mention is when you see your teen down. It is so tempting to react and ask, “what’s wrong?” Assuming you have tried this in the past, I ask you, how did it work out? Did your teen open up and reveal all of her feelings? Or did she respond with something like, “NOTHING!”? If you’d like a new way to respond to your sad or dejected looking tween/teen, try this. Make a statement like, “Wow. You look pretty down. If you’d like to talk about anything, let me know.” And then, go about your own business. You may not get her to share right away but she is more likely to come to you in time. And when you do this regularly, you may have a child who feels truly safe in revealing herself to you.
So you see, there are some very simple skills you can adapt that will encourage more openness with your tween/teen. In summary, remember to:
Listen -
• without judging
• without advising
• with empathy
• with a goal of simply understanding
and see if things don’t begin to improve between you and your older child.
~ Happy Parenting!

Fall Newsletter

Amy Egan — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:01:00 +0000

The Parenting Post

New Skills = Happier Families

Getting Kids to Do Stuff

One of thee (not a typo!) most frustrating and annoying tasks many of us face on a constant basis while raising children, is getting them to the things we need them to do, or the things they themselves need to do. I see two main categories when it comes to Stuff Kids Need To Do. Category A is the stuff we need them to do like chores and getting themselves ready when we are preparing to leave the house. Category B would include the things they need to do that affect them a lot more than they affect us, like doing homework or practicing a sport.

Let’s talk first about Category A. When we want kids to do things like clean their rooms, take out the trash or empty the dishwasher many of us find ourselves nagging them to get these things done. By the time they get to the task, we could have done it ourselves several times over. So, instead of the nagging method, I have found the following techniques much more effective.
I like to give the child some lea-way by providing some options or parameters. After all, I don’t appreciate someone telling me do something and expecting me to drop everything and do it NOW! So I like to provide options that I know the child can handle. Here are some examples:

have it done within a certain time frame, like by six o’clock or the end of the weekend (this is where knowing what your child can handle comes in…..a kid with a short attention span could not handle an extended time frame so the chore would never get done.)

have it done before doing something else like watching TV, playing on the computer or catching up with your face book friends ( I have found this one to be very effective and helps gets things done more quickly….what they get to do after seems to be the payoff.)
These are best communicated in family friendly language. Rather than saying, “You cannot watch TV until that dishwasher is emptied!” try, “Sure, you can watch TV as soon as the dishwasher is emptied!” This promotes more cooperation and better feelings between parent and child.

Category B may seem more tricky. This is because most of the situations in Category B are things we want the child to do because we do not want them to make a mistake and look bad. If our kid does not do his homework, what will the teacher think of him? What will she think of us, as parents?
I like to suggest that the parent email the teacher or coach and let them know that you are in the processing of giving your child ownership over their problems and there may some tough lessons to follow while this transference is taking place. Teachers love parents who butt out and let their kids learn the lessons on their own! Just ask one.

This does not mean you do not provide a time and place for these tasks to be done. It means you no longer hover, attempting to control exactly how and when it gets done or even if it does get done. (If it does not get done, give the teacher/coach permission to provide the consequences.)

By following these tips you will eventually find that you are less stressed, more things are getting done, your child begins to make better choices and, in turn, feels better about herself. It may take some failure for them at first, and you not taking back ownership of the problem when it happens. A bit of empathy and the natural consequences are priceless teachers! Then things are very likely to improve in the long run. And isn’t the long run what matters anyway?

Some Q & A

Parent: My 14 year old daughter is “Miss Contrary”. No matter what I say, she says the opposite. Even if what I say is true and obvious. This is driving me crazy and there is constant tension between us!

Amy: This sounds like the behavior of kid who really, really wants to be heard. Try paying attention to her views, her comments and opinions. And rather than telling her she is wrong to see it that way, thank her for sharing her perspective. You do not need to agree with her. But let her know that you hear her view, as outrageous as it may be. You can even let her know you see it quite differently but end the conversation with letting her realizing you have heard her opinion. If she feels heard, she will begin to be able to release the need to be so contrary. We all just want to be understood, especially when we are 14!

Parent: My elementary age boys spend so much time doing electronic activities. Should I limit their time?

Amy: Yes. Experts say that 30 to 60 minutes a day is all a child should have on electronics. You can decide yourself what is appropriate and then feel free to set and enforce the limit. You will have kids that are bored but remember that boredom is healthy and fuels the imagination. Less screen time leads to more creativity.

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My most recent newsletter. Enjoy

Amy Egan — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 20:24:35 +0000

The Parenting Post
New Skills = Happier Parents!
Do You Have An Eeyore?
Hi Parents! As I have told some of my friends, I recently realized that one of my children has some Eeyore-ish characteristics and if I don’t stay on my toes, they can effect the whole family. I don’t mean the Eeyore stuff like his lack of confidence, (that can be a topic for another newsletter). No….my Eeyore displays his Eeyore-ness by not wanting to do anything other than things he likes to do. You know what I mean, right? Like the rest of you want to try a certain restaurant or to do some activity and when your Eeyore finds out, he mumbles and grumbles and says he is not going and that you can’t make him. Your choice is to go without him, (kind of letting him off the hook, giving in, in my opinion) or bribe him to go (never, ever a good strategy in the long run!!), or tell him he is big trouble if he does not go and then listen to him complain during the activity while he ruins the day for everyone else.
Sometimes, I lose sight of keeping the Eeyore-ness in check and I find that we have stopped doing anything Eeyore might not like because we don’t want to deal with the ramifications mentioned above. But I eventually catch myself and realize what I have been doing. To arrange family life around the ’stinker’ is to do the stinker a major dis-service! When I wake and smell the stink, I have to gather my self and set sail in another direction.
So how do we make sure our Eeyores get the dose of reality they need, go and do things that other family members would like to do, and not allow Eeyore to ruin the fun for everyone else? In my mind, it comes down to this. I am quite certain that your Eeyore has plenty of privileges. (For mine, two at the top of the list are a car to drive and an iphone!) Now who in their right parenting mind would give a kid access to a car and an iphone (among other things) and then allow them to dictate where the family goes on a regular basis? Parents that are not thinking straight or are too wimpy to take the keys and the phone, that’s who! (Me being one of them, at times.) I had to slap myself the other day when I realized that my ‘attitudenilly challenged’ kid had waaaayyyy too much say about certain family decisions. It came to me that, as his parent, it was my responsibility to let him know that if he could not go along and do some things with the family that he did not really feel like doing, that that was proof positive he had too many things!!! And that if he dragged himself along with a crummy attitude, ruining the occasion for everyone else, THAT was also proof positive that he had way too many things!
So, how did Eeyore handle this message? He joined us. He came along with a quiet, but respectful demeanor. And Eeyore actually had some fun. He even enjoyed it a little. It isn’t as if he thanked me for the wonderful life lesson, but he came along and was pleasant and got some things out of the experience. The most valuable nugget we gave to him that day was that ’sometimes you do things for other people’. (And if you are not able to do that, you have too many things and your parents will have to fix that problem right away!)
You may think this is typical teen-age behavior and many might agree with you. But I know loads of you reading this are experiencing Eeyore-ness in your life and you don’t even have a teen yet! My belief is that this behavior is expressive of a child who has a little entitlement issue rather than typical behavior of any aged kid. So, I remind you, tailoring your activities to suit your Eeyore, only makes your Eeyore more Eeyore-ish!
I hope you find my self-disclosure helpful and that it gives you the courage to stand up for your parental rights and obligations. Happy Parenting.

Next Monthly Jam Session: Monday, May 2
12:00 – 2:00pm
$15
My House
Would you like to get a parenting booster shot? Bring your current frustrations and issues and we will brainstorm new ideas and plans for you. Or just come to connect with other like-minded parents, Listen and learn from others’ discussions and walk away feeling more confident and joyful about parenting. Feel free to invite a friend. Email me to reserve your seat!!

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Some Q & A:
Parent : My three year old son is so easily frustrated that often times he disrupts family activities while he melts down over some slight issue. I am concerned about this and wonder if there is a major problem with him emotionally.
Amy: I think it is very likely that there is no major emotional problem with your son. Lots of young kids get frustrated very easily. I suggest that when he becomes frustrated you take him somewhere away from others and all low him to ‘melt down’. While he is having his fit, just provide him with empathy, letting him know that you understand how frustrated he is. If you know what caused the situation, express that to him. EX: “you felt so frustrated because you had built a tall Lego tower and then it fell over and broke apart! That is disappointing!” Feel free to hug him if he’d like that and just keep allowing him to express his feelings. We tend to heal when we feel understood.
If this is not helpful over time, then speak to your pediatrician about your concern.

Parent: I have been working very hard lately to hold my kids accountable and follow the Love and Logic advice but my husband cannot stand to see his children upset and tends to come in and undermine the boundary I have set or the consequence I have laid out.
Amy: Parenting is certainly easier when both mother and father are on the same page, but it is not essential. Talk with your husband and let him know that you feel the most important thing for your kids is that you both present a united to them. Ask him if he’d be willing to make a pact with you; when he is handling a situation with the kids, you will not interfere (this is assuming your husband is not an abusive man, physically or emotionally) and that when you are handling a situation with the kids, that he do the same. You support what the other is doing even if it is not the way you would handle it (and it is not harmful to the kids.) That way, you are not putting him down for his parenting skills and making him feel like you see yourself as superior (even though, you may!) Not undermining each other is the best parental pact you can make.
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Jam Sessions

Amy Egan — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 02:02:42 +0000

Hi Everybody,
I wanted to let you local readers know that every first Monday of the month we hold a parenting “Jam Session” from 12-2pm at my house in Allen. We get together to discuss any current parenting frustrations you may be having and brain storm a plan to transform your frustration into a parenting success!! Email if you’d like to join us for the upcoming May 2 session. You are sure to leave feeling supported and encouraged in tackling your issues.

Last Month’s Newsletter

Amy Egan — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 01:57:03 +0000

Thu, March 24, 2011 3:26:04 PMNewsletter
From: “Amy Egan, LLC” View Contact
To: amy

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The Parenting Post

Newsletter
New Perspectives or Old Ones Remembered.
The Great Benefits of Delayed Gratification!

Just what is delayed gratification? Well, I would say, put simply, it is not getting what you want when you want it. A more positive perspective might be, getting lots of things you want after working hard to get them.

When it comes to parenting, we have thousands of opportunities to give our kids what they want when they want it, or, have them wait for a more appropriate time. Naturally, there are many times when giving them what they want immediately is just fine. But I want to talk about the other times…..when not handing it over to them right away is in their best interest.

When kids are little, their desires are little. Gum, candy, a toy, a McDonald’s Happy Meal, a stop at the park, etc. When they are teenagers their desires are often larger, more expensive, potentially more dangerous and life altering like cars and sex. And when they are older much of the time they are making their very own decisions about these desires.

Since most of us hope to have teens and young adults that are able to delay their own gratifications, make wise choices and think before acting, giving them lots of practice when they are younger helps increase the odds that they will, more often than not, do the right thing. When our kids learn early on that today may not be an ice cream day, the wanted stuffed animal will have to go on the birthday list or sweeping out the garage will earn them enough money to get the new computer game, we are building the road to an adolescent who makes good decisions, most often.

There are times, especially the older our kids get, that we want them to have things we might know deep down, they would be better off not getting right away. Sometimes we want them to have these things because we believe they will be more admired by their peers by having them. And sometimes we want our kids to have these things because a little piece of us wants our kid to feel better than others. And sometimes we give them what they want because we think it will make him or her happy…..and we cannot really be happy until our kids are happy.

The danger we fall into by giving in when our soul knows we should not, is that of robbing our kids of the many benefits of delayed gratification. When an object of desire is earned and yearned for, it is valued and appreciated. The even bigger benefits are the feeling of accomplishment….the raising of self-esteem and the strength of character that come from working hard to get what we want. The ripple effect of these benefits are massive. They carrying us through rough times in life and help us feel worthy in other times. Conversely, the absence of these benefits are usually disastrous. A teenager who has not had plenty of experience with delayed gratification has a sense of entitlement, little self confidence and is usually a very unhappy person. They often bully others and use substances to deal with life’s pains rather relying on their own strength, which they have little of.

We are all tempted to give our kids too much, too soon, too often. But when we can look at the bigger picture of their lives, we see that it is so often in their best interest to allow them the chance to earn and yearn, work hard for the things they want, strive to reach their goals and feel strong and capable at the end of the day. (Real self-esteem comes directly from feeling capable.) It is not always easy to look beyond the here and now of a situation. But when we try to see the larger benefit of the big picture, it is easier to watch our kids struggle and cheer them on along the way!

Best of luck letting your children and teens delay their gratifications!
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Announcement!

Regualar Monthly Jam Sessions
Every first Monday
12-2pm
Amy’s House

Next Jam Session:

Monday, April 4
12-2
Fee-$15
Please email to reserve spot
Limit: 10
Bring your current parenting frustrations, leave with a fresh perspective and a new plan!

Some Q & A

Parent: My daughter is turning 16 this summer. Some of her friends have been getting new cars for their 16th birthdays. Is this a good idea?

Amy: The Love and Logic Institute says that studies prove, the more sweat equity a person has in driving, the safer driver they will be. Teenagers today are often very busy with school and extra curricular activities. It would be impossible for most of them to purchase their own cars. If you’d like your daughter to have a car it would be best for her to contribute in some way, financially or via extra chores, to the car. Some ideas are partial payment toward insurance and/or gas, matching funds toward the purchase of a car, and at the very least, depositing into your account the amount of your auto deductible.
If you suspect alcohol or drug use, revoke the privilege of driving immediately.

Parent: Due to a recent move, my son had to change schools. His sadness over the change is more than I can bear. I have not been able to get him to see that in time, he will likely make many new friends and feel very comfortable at the new school.

Amy: As loving parents we usually feel great pain when our kids are in pain. For that reason we try and hurry them through their adjustment process. Try simply listening and empathizing with your son. Really listen by looking him in they eye and repeating what he says. Remember, you are not allowed to try to fix anything. You are only allowed to listen and validate how he is feeling. Things will not likely improve right away as the adjustment is a process. But they will likely improve more quickly when his feelings are expressed and then received.
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Jam Session Coming

Amy Egan — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 21:49:09 +0000

Parents! Come for a Jam Session on Monday, March 7. Gather with other like minded parents…bring your issues and frustrations as we gather to discuss plans for you to take home. Learn from others as well as my advice. Have some fun and feel great about being a parent!
Email me for details.

My Recent Newsletter

Amy Egan — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 21:45:30 +0000

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The Parenting Post
New Ideas……Happier Families!
“I Feel Stuck!”

Everybody’s been there. And maybe you are even there right now. You feel like you are doing everything right, the way you learned, the way you have practiced and the way it has worked in the past. Yet, something isn’t working this time and you can’t seem to be able to figure out why. Well, recently I worked with a mom who was in such a place. Here is the story of our session and how it turned it out. Maybe……the piece to her puzzle will be the piece to yours, now or later, and you too, can become unstuck!

I had met with Sandy ( of course, it is not her real name!) several times in the past couple of years. She was well read and well versed in Love and Logic. She had been practicing it with commitment, and there had much postive change within her family. When we got together last week, it had been several months since our last consult. As she got me up to date on the goings on and issues of her family, I was impressed with how well she remembered and practiced the Love and Logic principles. She was doing a great job of remaining calm, having empathy for her daughter, eight year old Kailey, when she made mistakes or made poor choices. She was not rescuing her and was allowing the consequences to be the teacher. And most impressive of all, she was not pouring salt into the wound by reminding Kailey of her mistake…. to hammer in the lesson (and erase that lesson by making Kailey feel stupid!) Sandra was also doing a good job of giving her daughter choices whenever possible and using enforceable statements rather than commands since these things empower the child and help them to feel respected. So why then, Sandra wanted to know, was Kailey so often grumpy, mad and just plain hostile toward her mother? Sandra knew that there had to be a missing piece to the puzzle and it was causing Kailey to feel resentful toward her mom.

During our session together, Sandra mentioned also that her daughter complains a lot. She often puts herself down…. the way she looks, her school work, etc. When I asked Sandra how she responded to Kailey’s complaints, the missing puzzle piece jumped out! Like most loving mothers, Sandra was trying to build her daughter up whenever she felt down. To, “I hate my hair….it’s so ugly,” Mom would respond with, ” oh Honey, no it’s not….your hair is gorgeous” and to “my handwriting is so messy” she would respond with something like, “no it’s not…..for an eight year old, it is very neat.” As Sandra was speaking, a smile came across my face. And then Sandra realized the piece, too. With her eyes wide open she exclaimed, “Oh my God! I have been telling her all of her feelings are wrong! I have not made her feel heard, understood or that her opinion matters. I’ve got it!”

So, what responses are best if we want our kids to feel like we care about their perspective? Together, Sandra and I re-worked her answers to her daughter’s complaints. Instead of arguing with her about whether or not her hair is ugly or gorgeous, she has decided to say, “you aren’t feeling good about your hair”, or “sounds like you feel you’re having a bad hair day….I hate those!” And the same of the handwriting or any other complaint like these. By simply validating her feelings, Kailey will begin to feel like her mother is truly listening, understands how she feels and has some empathy for her. To solve the issue is not Sandra’s job. That belongs to Kailey. To listen and care….is her mother’s place and gift to her daughter.

Jam Session Coming!
If you would like to gather with other like-minded parents, bring your recent parenting frustrations, get my ‘two cents’ and learn from others’ issues, come to a two hour group coaching session. Details to the right. Or contact me for questions. Jam Sessions are usually a lot of fun and full of ideas and information. See you there!
Connect with us:
Follow us on Twitter
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Read our blog
Watch our podcast

Would You Like To Refresh Your Parenting Skills??
Let’s have a Jam Session!
Monday, March 7.
12pm – 2pm.
My house. Email me for address and to save your spot.
Limit, 10 wonderful parents.
$15.

Some Q & A

Parent: My 9 year old son really wants a guinea pig. He is willing to pay for it with his own money and claims with all his might, that he will be the one to take care of it. I am a firm believer in the Love and Logic principles and can usually allow my child to make a mistake and let the consequences fall where they may. But I strongly suspect he will tire of the care the guinea pig requires and do not feel it fair to let the animal suffer. How can I let him experience some consequences of not caring for his pet, if that happens, without punishing the guinea pig?

Amy: Yes….letting the animal suffer the consequences is not an option. So you will have to engineer another plan if you want to allow him to do this. Let him know before you even agree to this purchase that if he chooses not to care for his pet in a humane way you will have to do something about it. (Good idea to leave the something a mystery!) Then, should that happen, here are some choices I see. You can give the animal to another family, take it back to the pet store, or care for it yourself. If you care for it yourself he will need to pay for your services with his money or by doing some of your own chores. (Make sure the chores you give him are much more distasteful than caring for his guinea pig.) If he doesn’t want to pay up, just remove the privileges he enjoys until he comes through.

Parent: My 3rd grade daughter often likes for me to help her with her homework. This is fine with me until she gets frustrated and starts yelling at me and blaming me for her frustrations. I am at my wits end with this!

Amy: It may be hard for you to do, but when the yelling starts, you need to be all done helping for the evening. You can let her know ahead of time that you are willing to help as long as you feel respected. When she yells, calmly tell her that though this is sad, you are finished helping for the night. When and if she has an all out melt down, you can give her some empathy and let her know you are willing to try helping again tomorrow. Resist the temptation to cave and go back and help when she turns nice. And, for sure resist the temptation to yell back and remind her that she ‘blew it’! She already knows that.
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Talking to Your Adopted Child

Amy Egan — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 18:19:32 +0000

Question and Answer by Amy Egan
November 22nd, 2010
Hello Readers. I have recently had a parenting question that I would like to share…..though I know it affects only a small percentage of parents. That subject is on talking with your adopted child about being adopted. If you are not an adoptive parent, you may decide to hold on to the informationand share it with a friend or relative who is an adoptive parent. I must add, before sharing advice, that I have two children, one biological and one adopted. If I had no knowledge of the following information, I am certain that parenting my adopted child would be much more painful! So I share with all who are interested in hopes that it is helpful, useful and brings peace and comfort to one or many adoptive families!

Q: My child is three and adopted. We adopted him at birth and have shared with him since before he could understand the words, that he is adopted. My concern is this. When and if he comes to me wanting more information on his birth family I am not sure how I will react. Just thinking of the scenario feels like wound to me. It makes me feel threatened and even unappreciated. What do you suggest???

A: As the parent of an adopted child, I can totally relate to your feelings. We feel we have put so much on the line for our kids and to have them become curious or even yearn for their adoptive families, can feel like a slap in the face. My daughter is now 11 and we have had countless conversations about her birth family. (I have heard that some adopted kids have no desire to know anything about their birth families. I believe many more of them do want to know all they can and feel their heritage is vitally important to understanding themselves.) I will tell you how we have handled these conversations and why. I share this info with you because it has been incredibly helpful to us. When our daughter asks questions we answer with as much information as we have. (If you have information that could be extremely hurtful like your child was conceived out of rape or incest or prostitution, etc. it is recommended that you do not share those pieces at this time. You may want to speak a therapist who specializes in adoption and get a recommendation on how to handle the subject when the child is over 18.) Ocassionally she becomes emotional…cries for her loss and for the life her birth family is having to live. (Poverty in another country.) When this happens it is only natural for a parent to want to respond with defensiveness. After all, we might likely feel like chopped liver…..very unappreciated! And we may see that the child is glamourizing what the birth family is like and how much they would be loved by them, and probably that the parent’s would not be so ‘hard on the child’, etc……having them do family chores, pushing them in school and holding them accountable for their actions. It would be oh…so…easy to fall into defensive mode. But I am telling you….if y ou resist that tempation and simply listen to your child, look into their eyes when they speak, and give them empathy for their feelings, the payoff will be invaluable. Kids who are heard work through their feelings. And adopted kids who are heard by their adoptive parents, feel safe coming back to purge when the feelings rise up again. Of course, the opposite is true, as well. So guess what tends to happen when adopted kids bring up grief and sorrow around their adoptions and are met with parents who have hurt feelings and are defensive. Rather than risk hurting their parents again or feeling unheard, they have to do something else with their feelings.

So…if you have an adopted child, I recommend hearing everything they have to say with eyes on them and both ears open. Give them a hug and validate how they are feeling. It will go a long way in preserving your relationship!

Amy

Avoiding Kids’ Anger

Amy Egan — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 14:09:25 +0000

Before I took effective parenting courses, I did what I could to avoid my kids’ being unhappy or mad. I thought that was what a good mother was supposed to do. Once I got educated, I realized what a disservice I was actually doing to my children. For one thing, when you live your life avoiding anger or disappointment from kids, they realize it and are completely in charge of the family. For another, they come to expect you to work really hard at making their lives good and fun, and are quite resentful when things don’t go the way they would like them to go. Now you have a child with a big sense of entitlement. (Kids with entitlement issues are not happy people.) You have also robbed your child of learning how to make him/herslef happy…..a necessary character trait if you want your child to function optimally in life.
So, when you find yourself wanting to keep your kids happy or do what it takes to avoid their anger, remember that you are actually doing damage. Kids that are the happiest are the ones who can experience and handle disappointment and limits.